I think in maybe a month or two i'm going to nuke this blog and start again

I'm trying to imagine people reading it and not thinking this too much information about someone I do not know

A folly about relationships and life at 25 - 13/05/26

I attended a wedding and had a fantastic time. My friends and I trespassed onto a golf course twice to get to and from the venue, once almost sober and once completely demolished off of Cornwall’s finest Amber Ale. By the end of the night I was beginning to lose my voice due to the copious amount of drinking, chatting and smoking that I was punishing my vocal chords with. I had a fantastic time. Deep below the surface I am thinking – the analytical, lonely and depressive part of my brain is nearly always active. I struggle in one to one interactions, I focus on the negatives, I cling to the vices and I painfully struggle to flirt with the other single people. I worry about how I am coming across and the facial expressions I must be pulling, what is the appropriate level of happiness to be showing right now? How does it all work? I want for someone else to take the lead for once, show me how it’s done, I could take a back seat and just let them guide me through life for a bit.

I am currently reading Lena Dunham’s first memoir, Not that kind of Girl. For a long time I wasn’t really reading books, It took me probably 2 years to finish Patrick Suskind’s Perfume in 2021. I’m glad I finally did finish it because it’s now one of my favourite books. I found Perfume by watching an interview of Kurt Cobain, he said it was one of his favourite books of all time. The Nirvana song Scentless Apprentice is based off the book. Reading Ursula K Le Guinn’s books have cured this inability to read consecutive days in a row and now I’m back to reading my way through books at a decent pace.

I decided to read Not that kind of girl because Ivy Wolk was talking about Lena Dunham’s new book Famesick. And I am a fan of Dunham’s TV show Girls. Wolk courts a fair amount of controversy but I really admire her, she’s funny, driven and self possessed to make art and write. And to be honest if you look at the ‘controversies’ it’s clear that she’s held to a higher standard than her male contemporaries purely for the fact she’s a young woman. She doesn’t present some idealised version of herself, in fact: kind of the opposite. I appreciate that and as a young adult I find it helpful to know you’re not the only one who’s kind of fucked up.

To be honest I am quite jealous, of the people I idolise, I do tend to have this problem where I can’t find myself content with life’s experiences, no matter how “good” I have it. By nature or nurture I can be quite a depressive person in my head, which you wouldn’t necessarily be able to see from the outside. I laugh all the time, I make jokes, I have friends, I don’t have money problems and I generally take care of myself, nicotine intake outstanding. The issue is I want more all the time. I want to live life as fully as I can and experience everything that there is to experience. This is something I have heard or read both Wolk and Dunham say or write, I think this is what appeals to me about their work. Watching Instagram reels: David Lynch was talking about a quote he read that happiness is found inside rather than outside. To paraphrase he found the quote to ring true, but couldn’t identify where the happiness lies inside. That sentiment keeps me going whenever I feel I’m not living life as I “ought” to be. I can find happiness inside.

After the wedding, and a long drive home in my friend’s battered Toyota Yaris, I got a text from my latest ex. I now am the proud owner of HPV. Are you supposed to apologise after giving someone HPV? In the grand scheme of things HPV is probably one of the most chill STDs. It was a very matter of fact text, they had been pap-smeared and found out they had it, so by extension I do too. I don’t feel bad about it, I had always considered myself a closed loop, having been with exclusively virgins before them, barring one experience with a condom present. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the vector, but you can never be certain. Maybe that’s why the text came with no apology, I would probably apologize but at the end of the day we both agreed to have sex. We had a three year relationship and it hasn’t been a problem the whole time so there you go. We will now only text about collecting the last of my stuff still from our old flat. And then presumably nothing for a while. We vowed to eventually see each other again which made us both feel better about breaking up.

I texted the ex before my most recent ex last week. In all honesty it probably wasn’t the wisest idea, but my friend had indicated that they had wanted to reach out to me. Knowing them like I do, I decided to take the initiative to reach out first. What can I say? it might have been a positive experience, nonetheless it will add some excitement. This idea was reinforced by the fact that they had been liking some of my tweets. A folly. I have forgiveness for everyone, probably more so than I should, including to people that I probably shouldn’t. You can’t help it if you like someone. We didn’t have the best breakup, a long distance relationship with no end in sight. We spent the best summers together, me, my sister and them. I wasn’t always the best boyfriend without getting too into the reeds but jealousy, self esteem issues and depression do not a stable relationship make when you are 20 years old. Despite this I wasn't a total dickhead either, I think all in all the relationship was a positive. In retrospect coming off my antidepressants, without a doctors supervision, for the sole reason that I wanted to be able to come during sex probably wasn’t the best idea. I was young.

It’s been 5 years from my worst I like to think I’ve changed a lot since then, I don’t expect to be absolved of all my sins but time and healing has to count for something. I think it’s a shame that my worst was spread out over one long relationship. When I think about the relationship I don’t think about our worst moments, what immediately comes to my mind are the best bits. Summers at their mum’s boyfriends house, driving them to random places, playing video games together and lazy days in bed that lasted forever. We had a small conversation, they know how to drive now. They work retail and things seem okay. The trap is laid when I say its so good to hear from them and I’m glad ‘we squashed the beef’. I was promptly told that to them the beef is not in fact ‘squashed’. I did not reach out to rehash anything and apologised. I received a somewhat cruel and fairly barbed text in return. Maybe I deserved it but regardless I am old enough and have self esteem enough to identify that this is not the way that you should allow someone to speak to you. Promptly they were un-followed and their message was left on read. Why the fuck did I even text them? It really fucked with my head, I so badly wanted to reply but it would serve neither of us.

My worry is that I am a maleficent force in relationships. Not intentionally but perhaps I am too self involved, too much of a control freak. Nobody is mine but when you are in a monogamous relationship there is a sense that you are theirs and they are yours - that sort of fucks with my head. I think I like it when the person I am seeing sees me as theirs. It makes me feel less weird about seeing them as mine and when they don’t see me as theirs resentment grows. To catastrophize further, is my want for more all the time affecting my relationships too? Do I consume everything and wish to be consumed also? To rob my partner of ambitions, to become like them, to have them become like me. To rob myself of my own ambitions to simply be their partner, It’s a really nightmarish thought that I want to disavow from myself.

It gets toxic when you think like this; I don’t want to be this freakish toxic force that wishes to exert his control over the people he speaks to. I’m terrified that my friendly ex is currently ruminating on all of the things I have said and done during the relationship that revealed my maleficent nature. I’m terrified for the next person who I will spread this rot too. I do concede that I probably wouldn’t be having any of these thoughts again if I didn’t text the ex that appears to actively dislike me. My advice: if there’s any doubt your ex might hate your guts DO NOT TEXT THEM. Even if they like your tweets.

I hope neither of my ex's read this but if they do, they sought it out and have only themselves to blame. I know what I need and that’s to be single for a while and to get fucking job, hopefully the cinema gets back to me. After that I can continue the struggle whatever...

The Blog may be receiving more updates than usual during this period 28/04/26

One finds that in life you should really try to act in the way that the person you want to be would act. Aristotle spoke about this when he discovered morality. That if you are a person embroiled in deep vices and you are not a virtuous person, the best way to become a virtuous person is to find someone who is virtuous and copy them (I dont mean vices like addicition, more like the opposite of virtue.) At first you won't be a virtuous person because you are just copying someone else, but eventually at some point you become virtuous by the virtue of all the virtuous acts you have done by emulating a virtouous person.Then you are able to act for yourself in a way that is virtuous in new situations.

A friend who I always wanted to talk to more but whom perhaps I thought was too cool or interesting, someone who is almost intimidatingly genuine, reached out to me today to ask if I wanted to hang out. What I mean when i say "intimidatingly genuine" is a fear that during the course of human conversation they would somehow see through the false person I have created and somehow end up thinking less of me. Writing this out sounds insane because it is irrational. Further to that I've totally made up a feature of someone's personality that may not exist and applied it to myself in a way that they likely haven't. Further still I have demeaned myself in my own head for thinking I am not worthy of their time.It really is a negative thing to do when you spell it out. The fact they reached out to me made me think why hadn't I asked them the same thing much sooner. The idea had crossed my mind before but I wrote it off in my head, thinking of all the things that could be weird or uncomfortable about an interaction with someone you only kind of know.

It really strikes me now that essentially I am writing my life off before I have had a chance to live it with this sort of mindset. So my new thing is going to be putting my A-level Philosophy to good use and try and emulate the sort of person that reaches out to people and doesn't shrink into oneself. Just like aristotle would want I think. And I want to add i'm not like trying to be Aristotlian like a grifter. I'm not trying to really be aristotolian at all, I haven't read enough/any Aristotle to begin with. And I'm not trying to say that you should live your life like aristotle, that was just my point of reference after doing Philosophy A-level almost a decade ago...

Maybe this was useful to you, maybe you've noticed these patterns in yourself and if that's true it's important for you to internailise: there is something deeply and irreversably wrong with you and there's basically no hope. Its been there since childhood, you know what I'm talking about, you're absolutely broken. Just joking there is always hope and love in the world it's all out there for you to find in your own time genuinely.You're not broken that joke could have been in poor taste. All the best.

What is the purpose of the personal blog? 27/04/26

I really have the urge to delete the last post. Everytime I make one it's like "damn this is raw, im writing from the heart." I am now asking what is the point of this blog, which is not something I asked myself when I made it. I made it thinking that it would be a thing to add to the website. I've never deleted a post and I talk about whatever's on my mind. I think the only way to continue the blog is to add more things that don't actively make me want to rip my own skin off. Maybe the whole thing of the blog is it's like conceptual art or something.

It's kind of acting as a diary and by virtue of the fact that I'm not sure anyone is reading it, it is private. This then begs the question why I am I not just keeping a private diary instead?

I don't yet know

LIFE ALTERING CATASTROPHE 24/04/2026

Does anyone else feel like Hannah Horvath from Girls whenever they write a blog? In my last post I promised an update to how my meeting with the "Glasgow Indie Games Meetup" people went. It went well and i wholeheartedly recommend it to any game developers in or around Glasgow. Unfortunately, I won't be attending again due to the massive imposition known in life as a break-up. All the worse a break-up with one you still love.

It's not the first time I've been involved in a breakup where I still love the other person. That gives me worry, do i give up too easily? other option could be that it's fine and it just happens in life sometimes. I am both a wreck and okay. Moved back to Leeds, where I was when I first made this website, I have friends here and I am lodging with some of them.

My physical body survives but I feel so lost. I have been cold. At one point during the breakup interim process I joked that the worst thing about breaking up is having to move again. This was not true but when you turn off certain parts of your brain so you can continue moving it feels true.

The break-up process is like the structure of basically any story. The story begins in an Equilibrium state where you are happy/safe and are in a relationship/routine. Chances are from day to day you would be able to make a good guess about what tommorow is going to look like. In order for the story to progress something has to disrupt this equilibirum, a tsunami, or an avalanche, or the end of the world, death, murder, robbery, godzilla. Essentially i'm in the avalanche right now, and the way I act to get out of the avalanche will change who I am. and then god willing you find a new Equillibrium and then that story is over as far as you know.

I really hate being in the avalanche, it seems selfish that I'm more concerned about myself having to go into the avalanche. but it's more selfish to not be in the avalanche when maybe you should be and it's also basically impossible to know when you should enter the avalanche and when you should try to hang onto the mountain. Beating a dead horse to destruction. I've barely worked on anything creative or professional, im hardcore unemployed right now, ive gotta give myself a bit of a break my life has been totally upended.

Still I've got to do something to get out of the avalanche. It doesn't help that I tend to turn in on myself. The only person who sees my most tender and vulnerable moments is me. That has to be true for a lot of people.

I need to write something new that isn't this exact blog. I need to write much more in general. Too much I, how does one write a personal blog without saying I all the fucking time? Also why am i writing a personal blog here? I am toying with the idea of making a personal website that is different to this one we shall see. I tend to make blogs when everything is lowkey falling to bits so I'll try and makr some more that aren't like this.

I really feel like im in an avalanche right now. To tell the truth i'm probably more depressed then i've ever been in my whole life.

Reading this article helped loose me from the feeling of dread. It's about a guy who let a botlfy larva live in his arm. It made me think about life, I want to live.

Website update- I am a NeoCities Supporter! 21/02/2026

What do we think of the new website? Pretty cool I think. Made with help from EggRamens beautiful website templates. It was a bit of a mess before. The new website background images are from my recent trip to China which I thoroughly enjoyed. I went to Guangzhou and found the city to be beautiful and fast and active and alive. Big fan of China.

★A gif button so people can share it

★An area where I put other people's gif buttons

★Guest book

It's been a while since I updated the blog. I don't know about you but it's so unbearable to read any of my previous posts, maybe its okay if you're not me. Reading my own writing especially when its semi public like this, I just find it excruciating. More so than any of my other work. Even the first sentence is just terrible 'crushed under the weight of my own ambition.' Who signed off on this? Who is this guy? What is wrong with you? Who do you think you are? It's freakish. You want a creative partner because you watched Mighty Boosh? you dont want a "normal" job? I don't really listen to any of the podcasts I reccommended anymore. You can't find friends? god you're annoying. I want to delete it all. I still dont want a normal job though. If I have to be a bus driver so be it. I did end up getting a therapist in the end and I think it was a good idea, we talked about why my head is shaped the way it is.

On the Game making front my latest video is about making my next video game. Still plugging away at the dream of game design or writing or directing. Long way off...

The video isn't really a DevLog apart from the end bit where I briefly talk about it. I'll make a section about it on the website soon but it's called PATRA and its gonna be cool I think.

You really have to lean into the fact that 25 is still young. In 10 years I'll be 35 and i'll still be young so there's that. I've started learning Godot. My last game ATAYA was made in RPGMaker and it suited me as a non-coder. I think my main problem is that I can be a bit of a control freak and I don't want to work on something that I don't believe in. There is a certain amount of confidence vs competence as an issue and I tend to be defficient in both. Confidence is just a mental state

I am going to a Glasgow Indie Game meetup in March and i'm hoping to bring a demo of my game PATRA to show real life people. I'll update you on that. Otherwise that's all from me for now.

I seem to impose suffering on myself for no real reason and I am crushed under the weight of my own ambition. There are many the things I want to be acclaimed for and I am searching for what -the actual thing- could be. I think a lot of people are coy about their want for acclaim when making art, but to be honest I really do want people to see my work. I have a thrist but am struggling to find the willpower to execute or grow.

I have been looking for a therapist and there is a nice looking place a 2 minute walk from where I live that hosts a few dozen therapists to pick from. I have so far emailed four of them, to hopefully sort out what it is that is causing this block or inablility to live my life in a way that may bring me satisfaction. One was not accepting new clients and the other three have so far left my emails unresponded, though they have only had a 2-4 days to respond between them - they must be busy. I would say that this is slightly ironic as part of my problem is feeling in some way unseen.

I fantasise about having a creative partner. This would not be romantic one as I have thankfully managed to lock the romantic side of my life down - not without some difficulty but that is not what this blog post is about. Just a different topic for my future therapist. My ideal creative partner - I have a real soft spot for the comedy duo. I think this started with Noel Fielding and Julian Barret in The Mighty Boosh (2004) two people that understand eachother and bounce off eachother in such a way that it is kind of homoerotic. Podcasts I would reccommend are The Out of Character Podcast, Emergency Intercom and The Adam Friedland Show Podcast. Duos that have an intense friendship that is compounded by their shared creative passion- this is what I crave but have not been able to find.

Don't get me wrong I have some amzingly close friends but somewhat stupidly I have decided to move into a new city and they dont live there. So our friendship is mostly online and they don't share my aspirations. I sort of had an idea that saying yes to every opportunity that came my way would lead to endless new opportunities but i think i fell into new opportunity fatigue and now have ended up somewhere i didnt really expect but not neccessarily having advanced myself very much. I feel neutral about this and my life is honestly pretty good if we look at things objectively.

My aspirations being basically to not have a 'normal job' which I have found already in a sense. I work part time as a Bus Driver in Glasgow. An insteresting job which is adding miles onto my soul. I think it is a good thing for my development as a human being but even working part time I find that it is difficult to make time for anyone else. In no particular order Bus Driving - Online Gaming with Friends - Spending Quality Time With my Partner - Working on Creative Projects - Alone Time on the Computer - Unlimited Phone Time. I'm really struggling to get out there and meet new people because i havent got the energy to try.

Okay, writing this out I think I realize that I have barely put the effort in to try and find someone to be friends with. I think i'll try out rock climbing later today. I think its also crazy to have these insane expectations and to be honest i feel like my early to mid twenties have just been about slowly losing my mind. Losing it due to the possibility of having everything but also the falling short of reality when you dont put in enough effort. That isn't to say you can't put effort in to stuff that won't give you strong returns for the stuff you actually crave.

I'm also slightly aware that im making stuff without specialising in anything. I've made some baisc animations and a music video and a some photography. I'm making my first game in RPGMaker because learning to code frustrates the hell out of me- don't get me started on this because I played OFF a couple years ago and that convinced me you can make something actually worth playing on RPGMaker. But just because you can theoretically doesn't mean I am and that spending so much time on this project could be hampering my efforts better spent elsewhere.

I have recently started a weekly livestream that is an hour long and is semi planned out whith pre-recorded segments. It's called Eds Show and maybe the name is narsassistic but its basically my thing at the moment is just to put Ed's in front of everything to show that it's mine or get the good Ed name out there.

Everything still feels early days so of course nobody is reading, watching or playing my stuff and why should they? it's all amatuer stuff i'm still new to most of it nobody is expected to be amazing out of the gate. Which is why successful people that are younger than me are so irritating yeah you must have blue named parents on wikipedia or just won the algorthim lottery. I need to not be a bitter on such matters because its SUPER LAME.

Lastly what to do now: Ive been thinking about all this crap- I think I need to finish ATAYA-my RPGMaker game with 3 or 4 episodes(1 completed) continue this weekly livestream until I think it's either run it's course or it's clear there is something better I could be doing. Spend a few hours a week learning to code in GODOT(I will always pick the Open Source version of any software because that's how i think the world should be run) if i want to go down the game developer route I think GODOT is my best bet for making a game with more freedom and clout than RPGMaker can give me (there's probably a reason they are remaking OFF in Unity(the non-open source big-brother of GODOT)).

And finally branch out into real life creative scenes maybe stand up or live music(I need a band) because i think there's only so much of my life i can lead sitting down infront of either A a Bus windscreen or B my computer desk before i actually decide to live in a Shao-Lin Monastery. Thanks for reading

Draft 2 of this blog post. The original one, i fear, was a bit insane... I updated my Homepage to the one you see now. I have been experimenting with dithering a lot at the moment and the new homescreen is an example of this...

When i first made this website I wrote in an early blog post."Ive got some ideas for other stuff i want to do with primordial soup, not sure in what capactity yet but a video game seems likely" HA HA i finally did do that and did make a game.

ATAYA is my first video game, it underwent many iterations, at one point I was making a Star Trek: Next Generations fan game that was going to have a Doctor Who cameo... I shudder to think of the reality where i continued down that cursed pathway. I ended up playing around with the GameMaker engine for several months before coming to the realisation that coding is impossible.

Coding isn't impossible, and in truth everytime I give it a crack I get a little better. I ended up switching from the GameMaker engine to RPGMaker and in turn decided to make my own story for the Game and that is where ATAYA was born. The game features my partner as the model of the main character.

I shouldn't celebrate too soon however because the game isn't really complete, it is 1/3 of a game and a promise to make 2 more episodes... I would also like to be able to make money off making video games at some point, but I fear I am a ways off.

My dream job is to be in the position that Hideo Kojima has found himself in where he can make games with actors in his style and with his autership. Lofty aspirations i know. The Game ATAYA will be my project for the forseeable as I plan to make 3 episodes. I do plan to switch to a more advanced game engine. RPGMaker is great and a super piece of software for hobbyists and people like me who want to realise their vision without knowing how to code. But it is limited. My true delusional aim would be to work with people far more talented than I in their respective fields to get Video Games made how we would want to make them. I'm a long way off from that, potentially decades or a life time.

In any case I didn't always want to be a Game Director but i guess that's what I do want to be now. I originally wanted to be a Video Editor. I think I have to become a jack of all trades to succeed how I want to. I think i could be really delusional at this point, its 3:43am goodnight.

most of what ive just written doesnt make sense i need to edit it. My notes at the moment are that i'm being too self referential which i think is a common theme in my thoughts and i actually need to let go of this way of thinking becuase nobody cares. i like writing to the website live and updating the live version.

I think im gonna change up the website again soon to seperate the things i write, the art i make and the mediums i do them in. I would also say at this stage of the game I have no idea what I want to write but I want to pursue being a writer [so pretentious]. Which is kind of funny because i already cant read my last blogpost which when i wrote it i thought it was very real and emotionally raw, so because i thought that i'm sticking to it and not taking it down but now i'm already cringing. It's good to have the blog that I can update as like a stream of consciousness and its good that i'm keeping mostly untouched as the website continues. I added the below buttons to these two writing things that could easily be blogposts of a different kind. But due to the way im organising the site at the minute, they are both in the "art" section.

When a DS cartridge gets old the contact points wear away.The signal between the console and the cartridge doesnt work. i feel like if my brain was a DS i experience this with my emotions. occasionally my contact points are loose and i miss the emotion that i should be feeling. most times this doesn't affect me or it makes for a mildly awkward situation where my vibe has come in way off from where it's supposed to be. Whats worse than feeling sadness is when you know you should be sad, your brain is logically doing the math, but you feel nothing. Atleast there would be some authenticity.

I worry that I have trained myself to become a master manipulator by emulating what i think others would think i would be feeling.I don't know to what end i would be doing this and i'm not really convinced by it. I do have emotions, just a slighlty nebulous relationship with them and im certainly not a master .I still can't cry. I crave to be able to cry because it feels like it may be a release or a comfort that i am a functioning human, perhaps I could delve into my feelings on my masculinity(wholey confused). I'm told i didn't cry as a baby. My partner thinks im autistic and they're probably not wrong, i like people who tend to be right about stuff and i love them so much.

My ex best friend told me that my name came up in their therapy session as someone they admired; he was going through some inter-personal strife. The therapist asked, what do you think Ed would do in this situation? he replied, "nothing good" and we had a laugh about that because he was probably right.

During an emotionally frought moment, I remember asking my ex partner honestly what do you think about me. Something about the way i asked it, in a frenzy or something, led to them not answering. i don't know what you want me to say. i don't know either. i don't know what kind of person i am. we had become very entwined as people and i was scaring them i think. At that point i had allocated myself a very low level of self esteem and I hadn't realised. When you think nothing of yourself you don't really think you can do any damage (or good) to the people around you. But obviously you can and I have. im reading this in a very self pitying way wow woe is me woe is me, nobody really cares that woe is you because everyone has woe and I think thats okay.

When i was 16, i don't know if i had low iron, i used to fall over and feel my tongue get bigger and taste funny in my mouth. i would lose my vision and my balance for a few seconds and whenever i came out of that it was like i had to reaffirm my position on the earth. what my name is where i am, what's most important to me. When it first happened i thought about my then girlfriend and her position in relation to mine on the circumference of the earth - what does that say? I don't care i'm 23 now.